yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Randomize
