We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
