don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
