I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
