Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
