the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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