The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I need to calm my uterus...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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