i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
