The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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