I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
