haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
