Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
