what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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