Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
fuck your aforementioned shoe
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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