listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
