i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
