Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
