You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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