apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
