What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
