just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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