No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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