There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
