I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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