He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
