is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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