Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
