she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
