just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
