Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
