Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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