If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dicks are not precious.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
