why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
