My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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