I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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