I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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