i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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