just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
