I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
