oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
