just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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