just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Drake has all the answers
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize