Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
