Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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