so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
