found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
