I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
