hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
