Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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