so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
