we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
