we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
