My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We're too hungover to prance.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
