So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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