Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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