i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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