Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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