she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
