Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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