ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
