and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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