I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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