Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
