Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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