sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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